1.
Be a Student of What They are Learning
It’s
an age-old problem—one that begins to plague us around the time adolescence
hits and, if we aren’t careful, follows us around the rest of our lives. It is
the question of who we are—what makes up our identity, what defines us, what
makes us, us. But imagine if, instead
of wrestling with these questions in the complexity of adulthood, we started to
tackle them in the formative teenage years? What if we took a good, long, hard
look at some of the foundational questions during the years that shape us more
than any others? Who am I? Where do I belong? What is my purpose? We are going
to begin to scratch the surface of identity tackling the difficult to ask—and
even more difficult to answer—questions that ultimately end up defining who we
are.
2.
Be a Student of Your Student
When it comes to parenting styles, everyone has an
opinion. And while we could all stand to show more grace towards one another
when navigating our role with our kids in this tricky stage of life, I think we
can all agree there are some things we may be in the habit of doing that are
good and some things that could be quite detrimental. Mickey Goodman, in a
recent article (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/Mickey-goodman/are-we-raising-a-generati_b_1249706.html?ref=parents&icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl8%7Csec3_lnk3%26pLid%3D135588)
tells stories of kids who upon arriving
to college and receiving a less than satisfactory grade, had their parents call
the professor to try and negotiate the score. But he doesn’t stop there. He
goes on to relay the story of a parent who actually accompanied their child on
a job interview. Yes, a job interview.
Would you be surprised to learn this young woman did not get the job she
applied for?
These may be fairly outrageous examples of parenting,
but according to Tim Elmore, founder and president of the non-profit group
Growing Leaders, they may be more disturbing than we realize because they
represent a growing trend among parents. Hovering. Over-involvement. Intervening.
They are evidence that a genuine attempt by parents to protect kids has evolved into something actually harming and
stunting the growth and formation of a child’s identity. Which isn’t to say
this is a parent’s intention. But however pure the motive, the result is not a
good one. In other words, when we parent out of fear of what our kids may
experience without our intervention, the actions we take as a result can have debilitating
results.
It probably doesn’t take much prompting for you to
remember the day you brought your child home from the hospital. The fear and
terror combined with the overwhelming sense of joy and responsibility is enough
to send anyone into an emotional tailspin. As parents, from day one, we have
the engrained and prevalent instinct to protect our children—at all costs. But
what more studies and psychologists are finding, the cost is actually the long-term
wellbeing of our child. In an attempt to make sure our kids grow up safe, grow
up protected, grow up secure and grounded in their identity, we are actually
keeping them from growing up at all, leaving them ill-prepared for the
actuality of the real world. So when it comes time to actually leave the nest,
we are sending out kids with no real sense of who they are and no real skills
on how to figure out life’s difficulties for themselves.
In other words we are raising kids not just
sheltered from some of the harmful influences of culture, but kids sheltered
from the realities of life—who don’t know disappointment and failure—and as a
result don’t know how to recover from it when they do encounter it. And we are
parenting this way for the sake of our own peace of mind. Tim Elmore says it
this way. “We are consumed with protecting them instead of preparing them for
the future. We haven’t let them fall, fail and fear.” In fact, you could say, we
have done the fearing for them—allowing our personal apprehensions to dictate
the way we parent, keeping our kids from learning valuable life-shaping lessons
on their own.
And so, I wonder if we would do a better job as
parents if we first dealt with our personal fears—be they well-founded or
not—choosing to keep our fears from governing us and dictating the method and
mode of our parenting. I wonder if we learned to take a deep breath and step
back, if we just might be surprised, pleased and proud of the people—or maybe
more appropriately, the adults—our teenagers are becoming—even in spite of us.
And I wonder, if we learned to do this, what message it might send to our kids
about the promise and hope they can find in themselves without our
intervention, and if they would be more empowered and equipped to handle the
world as a result.
3.
Action Point
I think we would all admit that one of our biggest
parenting faux pas come when we try to live vicariously through our
children—trying to fix what was wrong circumstantially for us or in us by the
way we treat and raise our offspring. The problem is, when we do this, we still
don’t’ end up “fixing” ourselves and oftentimes we end up “breaking” our kids
in ways we didn’t expect. So use this time with your teenager to create an honest
dialogue over your own fears, personal shortcomings and hopes for them and give
them the space and time to do the same.
Share
with your teenager the fears you have for them. (Think specific—not just the
really “obvious” or “big” fears. Think of the every day fears that may not seem
that big to anyone else but drive you and your parenting.) Can you think of
anything from your own personal experience as you grew up that caused you to
have this fear for your child? How has your personal fear dictated the way you
parent?
Family psychologist John Rosemond says this about
encouraging our children and their dreams. “It’s time we tell them that doing
great things starts with accomplishing small goals.”
Does
it seem like a scary thing to allow your child to do this? What are some of the
big goals you have in mind for your child? Does the way you parent encourage or
hamper their big dreams? What are some of the small, more attainable goals you
can set for them—that don’t scare you to death, but also give them a proper
perspective on what is required to make their dreams happen? Ask your teenager
what are some of the big dreams they have for themselves—and ask them what are
some smaller attainable things they can begin to accomplish now that will help
them as they strive for these bigger goals. How can you help them make this
happen without over stepping your bounds and doing too much?
Ask
your teenager if there are things they see in your parenting that are really
just your fears being played out. Are there areas they feel stifled by you? Are
there areas where you are too controlling? (Try not to feel judged or defensive
if they do have something to say.)
What
can you do as a parent to better support them and equip them as they journey
towards discovering who they are and who they want to be?
@2012 Orange. All rights reserved.
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