XP3 Students: Dating By Numbers Parent Cue

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning

Let’s be honest. There are more than a few areas in life where a crash course would be helpful. And dating is certainly one of those areas. For a lot of students, dating is something they just fall into—they are old enough to do it, so they do. But just because they are the right age and in the right stage of life, doesn’t mean they know how to go about it. They need to learn the basics. They need to understand the fundamentals. They need a crash course on dating, and we want to give it to them. So the question we want to be answering these next couple of weeks is, if we could pick the top three things we want students to know as they prepare for this season of life where dating plays such a huge role, what would those three things be? What do we look for? How do we know when it is time to end it—and then how do we go about ending it? And what do we do when we find ourselves with single status? These are the basics. Our way of beginning at square one. And the hope is, with the right start, their time spent dating now will set the course for their future relationships in the right direction.

2. Be a Student of Your Student

Relationships are a joy. But they can also be painful, devastating, all consuming and overwhelming. As parents, we know this all too well and some of us try to do everything we can to protect our children from the possible pain of breakups, emotional rollercoasters and those girls or guys we are certain are nothing but trouble. In fact, those of us with daughters may joke that there’s no way our little girls will date until they hit 30! But the truth is, they will date eventually and this can be a good thing. What isn’t a good thing is when our kids allow any one relationship to define who they are so much that when the relationship dissolves, they are left broken and feeling like they have lost a sense of who they are. Even worse is when they feel like a failure because of their relational mistakes. And sometimes we as parents do more to make them feel like their mistakes are insurmountable than we do to encourage them with forgiveness.

Geoffrey Canada, an education reformer in Harlem, talks about this in his book “Reaching Up for Manhood.” His important and revolutionary ideas are discussed on the Orange Parents Blog (http://www.orangeparents.org/some-kids-cant-be-forgiven/):

According to Canada, kids need to grow up with a certain level of failure so they can understand it’s possible to move beyond their mistakes. They need to know that they can be forgiven, not only by their parents but by others adults as well.  He says churches can be key in providing the missing ingredient of forgiveness in the lives of kids.

The truth is, there may be no other area where our kids experience more failure than that of their dating relationships.  As a result, there may be no other area where our students are in need of, and desperate for forgiveness, then in the area of their dating relationships. The challenge for us as parents is learning to allow them to fail to some degree, if only so they can consequently learn that we, as their parents, are able to look beyond and move past their mistakes. But like Canada says, this is more than just a message for parents. This is a message the church could and should embrace. And as parents, this means we need to become serious about one of the Five Parenting Principles of Orange: Widening the Circle.

What exactly does “widening the circle” mean? It means that we need to pursue strategic relationships with other trusted adults for our sons and daughters. It means that we widen their community of healthy adults so that when things don’t go as planned with that guy or girl they were sure was “the one,” they aren’t left alone with the relational fall out. It means when they realize they may have made some poor relational choices, they have a support system around them that meets them where they are and encourages them—even in their failure. When our students realize that their sphere of influence, their pool of trusted friends and their support system extends beyond their parents they may be spared some serious scars—not just spared scars from poor relational choices, but scars from not receiving the acceptance and forgiveness they needed from the people they needed it from.

3. Action Point

We have all needed a second chance or a “do over” when it comes to our relationships. Sometimes, that has meant we needed to walk away and sometimes it meant the relationship has walked away from us and we need to reset who we are.

Share with your teenager a time when you needed to push the “reset” button and get a fresh perspective on a particular relationship or maybe even on yourself.

Geoffrey Canada says, “We always give (our kids) the message of salvation and forgiveness with our chastisements.”

How can you do this when your teen struggles through a particular relationship? If your teenager has already learned some hard lessons, how did you handle it? Looking back, would you have handled it differently?

In order to Widen the Circle, we need to point our teens towards those people who can help them come to a healthy self-image and help them find their place in a rich community.

Who are those people in your student’s life who won’t give up on them and who can help them experience forgiveness and encourage them in growth? (Think peers, but also think of other adults too.)

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

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